Love and Grandma

Hello everyone. I thought I would try writing about the funeral and everything. It really isn't so much as to write a blog entry as it is for me to get my feelings down. I'm sure you all are struggling with this just as much if not more as I am.

I have made it home from the long trip to and from Missouri. I think I am actually doing worse now that I am away from the funeral. It really hurts, almost to the point of physical pain. On the way home, I kept feeling like this whole weekend has been a dream. I am still in denial. I think to myself, there is no possible way that both Grandma and Grandpa have left this Earth. All I want to do right now is to call them at their home to tell them how much I love them both. I have resisted the temptation to call Grandma's cell phone right now. I just wanted to be able to hear her voice. I don't think her voice is actually on the voicemail recording, otherwise I probably would have called her.

I brought home flowers from the funeral. I thought they would somehow make me feel better. I love and am proud of my two plants I was able to bring home from Grandpa's funeral. I think I despise the flowers I took this time. I just want to throw them away.

I know Grandma has been in pain for years. Yet, through it all, she has always overcame. And I know, that while she has suffered, she has brought many people, probably even complete strangers, a glimpse of joy. But that is the thing, through it all, she has never given up. I remember about two maybe three years ago around fourth of July when I thought she wasn't going to make it. The doctors told us she probably wouldn't make it through the night. I remember praying with Josh at the hospital's chapel. God gave me a peace that she would make it through the night, and she did. So why now? Why did it have to take so long? I know we cannot live forever, but it is so unreal to think that death finally took Grandma. I guess I should think of it as God bringing her home.

And while God has given me the peace that she is truly at home with Him, it still hurts. It may continue like this forever. I can honestly say that there is no other person like Grandma Tena in the world. There is no other Grandpa in the world either. Together, they were amazing. They could bring us laughter, joy, comfort . . .

I do not know how the two of them made it through life. I almost feel ashamed at how well off I am. I have never felt the pain and suffering Grandma and Grandpa went through in life both together and individually.

Grandma - Grandpa: I dedicate my life to living a lifestyle that you two showed me how to live. One where I truly love my neighbor as the Scripture encourages. One where I can love a stranger as if they were my own family. One where I do not give up because I am tired. One where I put God and my family above everything else in my life. One where I pass on the legacy that has been passed down to me.

One more thing - I honestly feel like Grandma personified love. She did not need to preach God's word because she acted it out.

I love you all.